You did it! You finally found a boyfriend—and thank god, because you’re you’re not getting any younger! Now that it’s been a few months, you realize he isn’t perfect, but you have to keep the fantasy of your relationship alive. Otherwise, you’d be single, and that’s way sadder than suffocating inside a one-sided relationship, right? Right. Here are five excuses to make up in order to rationalize his behavior this weekend and never face reality again!
1. “He’s just distant because his fantasy team is ‘sucking ass.’”
Change is hard for everyone, but he’s managing a fantasy football team, which is a lot of work and full of disappointments. He has to be monitoring it constantly, and can’t do anything that takes away from that, not even look up when you enter a room with a meal for him that you cooked. Besides, fantasy sports season only lasts 3–11 months, depending on his interests. Attending your niece’s bar mitzvah is clearly going to take away from that, so just let him be!
2. “He’s only on his phone at dinner because his friend’s brother’s cousin really needs his advice.”
He’s nothing but a friend’s family man, and needs to be someone that his friend’s family can count on at all hours. So just be cool! Let him text aimlessly under the table while the waiter sends you sad eyes. He will talk to you eventually, but just after everyone else that he would rather talk and spend time with!
3. “He can’t talk about the future of our relationship right now because he doesn’t want to.”
He’s mad at you and clearly has a right to be, you voiced an opinion that was contrary to his! Clearly you had too much wine in an effort to be chill, but it’s actually just making you harsh his vibes by being honest! Blame yourself for trying to communicate with him. Not every boyfriend is going to want to talk to you, and that’s okay—as long as he has a good excuse that you make for him!
4. “He only made out with that girl because he was giving her CPR, kind of.”
He was a boy scout for a reason—to save lives, which is clearly what he was doing at a bar with that girl from his office, NOT making out with her! Plus, who doesn’t love a guy who will risk his life to save someone? That girl apparently got CPR from most of the regulars at that bar that night, so he could have gotten mono—just one of the many drawbacks of dating someone who feels for others. Bravery + Knowledge of first aid = Total marriage material!
5. “He’s working on his online presence, and the hospital I was admitted to has shitty wifi.”
He’s hustling so much on social media and really working to be the online mogul he’s always wanted to be! He needs time to write that hilarious tweet about the weather (“Hail? More like #FAIL”) and tell people about his unorthodox political views (“Hillary? More like #FAILARY!”)..This is the best way to connect with people who aren’t you. Trust us, he’s sorry you got hit by a car, but he’ll visit you next week when web traffic slows down!
Tell yourself these excuses this weekend and you will feel so much better about yourself, and more importantly, keep your man! Because let’s face it: You have a boyfriend, and that’s the most interesting thing about you at the moment! Have fun, you two!