So you’ve been thinking about this a lot lately: Why DO you have to date men? It’s 2016, for chrissakes. You’re an open-minded, independent woman who can love whomever she chooses. Why should you be stuck in an eternal dick chase when you could be finding intimacy and companionship within your own, far superior sex? Sure, you’re not attracted to women per se, but it’s totally legal to date women, and men are assholes, so why the fuck not??? Here are some options you could have pursued had the gods not marred you with a thirst for D.
Your Friend Sam
Ah yes, Sam. Your hottest friend. You always catch yourself thinking about what she’s like in bed, and let’s face it, she has the best rack of the friend group. Sam is even a boy’s name! You could fall in love with Sam, the one who’s been there all along, if only she were a dude and not female. Drat.
Your Current Boyfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend
Holy shit, how fucking PISSED would he be?! This is PERFECT. Not only would you teach that goon a lesson, you’d also get to check out all of her incredible tattoos. He would be so jealous of your love affair, he might just get on his knees and beg for you to come back to him, which—shit—is exactly what you’d want. Sigh.
The Star of Your Yoga Class
Okay, this lady is definitely too advanced to be in your local library’s weekly beginner yoga series, but that’s beside the point. She is hot as hell: curly hair, tight ass, megawatt smile. You would bang her in one minute! Okay, maybe five minutes, just so you have time to psyche yourself up. But wait, what if she just stuffed her hair in this Yankees cap, threw on this dirty flannel, turned off the lights, and went down on you for 40 minutes without reciprocation? Now THAT you could get into!
Amy Adams
Ooh, here’s a good one: beautiful, lovely, porcelain-skinned Amy Adams. Amy is the kind of woman you could absolutely envision closed-mouth kissing and spending the rest of your life with, clothed and in separate beds. However, we’re pretty sure she’d mind if you brought home some fratty strange from the bar, and we know you love fratty strange, so no eternity of Amy Adams’ love for you! Oh well.
Shelly (You Know, From Summer Camp)
How could you forget about Shelly? You didn’t forget about Shelly, did you?? Remember, from Camp Kittewa in 1998? You two hit it off right away and were inseparable, even sharing a bunk despite your fellow campers calling you names like “the lesbo twins”. Oh, and don’t forget about that time you accidentally saw Shelly naked and were horrified by her remarkably advanced thicket of pubic hair! And if she was so advanced back then, there’s no telling how advanced she is now! Too bad you’d rather bang stupid Mark from work instead.
Well, there you have it: all of the goddesses you could build a life with had you not been born with heterosexual neurology. Sorry girl!
