The beauty pageant is a great and rich American tradition in which women from across the nation can show off their wit, charms, and boobies, but unfortunately, the cultural giant is under attack. That’s why I write today to speak out against the “politically correct” ideology that would chip beauty pageants away into oblivion, and call on each and every one of us to preserve this institution, and I am not just saying because I’ve got all these batons I need to get off my hands.
While some feminists may consider beauty pageants degrading or archaic, the truth is there could hardly be a custom more empowering to women and girls. Beauty pageants provide a platform for women to showcase their immense capabilities. Do these capabilities sometimes involve twirling a baton? I don’t know. This is the first I’m hearing of it. So how could I possibly just be taking this stance to offload the tens of thousands of batons my cousin grifted me into buying, if I hadn’t even made this connection before now?
Beauty pageants also get accused of reinforcing a homogenized conception of beauty, but I see no proof. Pageants can and should be a multicultural affair! For instance, let’s take the baton example. Anyone can learn to twirl a baton. Any race, any height, any creed — there’s truly nothing more inclusive and useful than a baton.
So to that end, if you were thinking of doing your service and entering a beauty pageant, but weren’t sure what your special talent should be, shoot me an email at 2manybatonshelp86@hotmail.com. I’ll give you the address of the storage unit I had to rent out just to house all the cases of these fuckers, and I’ll give you a great deal. You must buy a minimum of 300 batons, which, I know, sounds like a lot, but honestly you’re going to break a bunch of them while training. Especially if you let me train you.
Remember: letting the American beauty pageant die is like taking a pillow and ruthlessly snuffing out a World War II veteran, except it’s worse because a WWII vet would presumably be very old, so it’s like how many years are you really stealing? So yeah, worse than that, even. And there is no WAY that I’m just saying this because my cousin Enzo told me I needed to buy 70k batons off him cause he needed the cash fast to get out of a bad situation, but he’d have double by the next week and buy them back with interest, but then he moved to Panama.
God bless America, beauty pageants, and the great deal you could be getting on these batons!
