Whether you’ve successfully overcome the shock and grief of your imploding family life, or if the trauma is still manifesting itself through a series of self-destructive life decisions, there’s no reason the nasty details of your parent’s divorce can’t be a fun icebreaker on a hot date! Here’s how to up your flirtation game with these slick segues:
1. Wax on about your first relationship with wine.
You may not have a sommelier certification, but your Barefoot wine palate is unparalleled! When your prospect inquires about your extensive knowledge, snag the opportunity to tell him you learned about wine while using it to soothe your Mom. You learned so much about their gold medal-winning varietals while assuring her that Dad was only dating Debi because he was going through a midlife crisis and would be back in her arms before his next heart attack. Stroke your date’s forearm and whisper, “We’re gonna hurt each other a lot one day.”
2. Dig into flirty horoscope banter.
Asking a guy’s sign is a huge cliché, so why not broach the subject by sharing your favorite birthday memories? What a great chance to ruminate on your own Sweet Sixteen—quite the soirée! No expense was spared, since Dad used it as an opportunity to try to buy back your love even though he still brought Debi—she was barely even legal to drink and there she is sucking on a bottle of Cook’s Extra Dry like she was born on a yacht. Give your new guy those bedroom eyes, as if to say, “We’re strangers now and we’ll stay strangers forever.”
3. Talk about that ring.
A girl wearing an engagement ring on a first date can be confusing to lots of guys, but for some, it’s a conversation starter. Tell that cheeky flirt that your Mom gave you her old ring because, even though it was a painful reminder of her ex-husband’s broken promises, it was still a symbol of their fleeting love that made you! Give him a wink and say, “You know what Mommies always say: ‘Princess Debi didn’t have to work double shifts at the nursing home and suffer with a barely 1/4 carat for two decades while your Dad built his construction empire.'” Your date won’t be able to resist shifting imperceptibly away from you.
So your parent’s empty nest is now a broken home: big deal! Get out there and spread that creeping dread around. You future ex-husband is out there! If all else fails, you can always fuck some old married guy.
