Crafted your own birth plan is an important way to take ownership of the birthing process—and to let everyone know you’re a sassy lady who likes a little kink in the stink. Enough about the mucus plug—here’s how to incorporate the butt plug into the most beautiful experience of your life thus far:
Make sure everyone involved knows you’re down with the butt. When discussing your birth plan with your care provider, doula, or family, be up-front about what you want. If he or she asks if you intend to deliver vaginally, be sure to indicate with a saucy wink that you’re “open to other options, too.” They’ll know exactly what you’re talking about.
If your partner nips down to the basement Au Bon Pain for a snack, keep hinting that you’d like a tossed salad. This will help get the discussion going early. Either way, you’ll get something you want.
A quick wax and enema will make childbirth and ass-play way more enjoyable. Remember what the day is about – embodying the ideal woman and mother. You’re a goddess, and goddesses have smooth, poop-free assholes when it’s game time.
Don’t pressure your partner into anything he or she isn’t comfortable with. If just a couple of digits during Braxton-Hicks is all he can handle, that’s totally fine.
Ask your doula if face-down, ass-up is an acceptable birthing position. Remember to pack the boppy in your go-bag, and use it to support your head.
These tips are only a starting point—feel free to improvise! Speaking of improvisation, don’t be afraid to crack out those amber teething beads early. Just make sure to put them in the dishwasher after use. Now it’s time to forget those boring, vanilla orgasmic births and get freaky!