How to Know if He’s the One (Who Gave You HPV)

marriage expectations

With so many fish in the ever-expanding sea, it’s hard to know if today’s catch is the one who will change your life forever – by giving you his HPV.  HPV is undetectable in men and can take years to surface, which is why we’ve crafted this handy guide to figure out if you two are meant to spend the rest of your lives together checking for cervical abnormalities. Here are six signs that he’s the “Mr. Right” who your friends were “right” about giving you HPV:


1. You just have that nervous feeling.
You know the one. The second you saw him, you felt slightly uncomfortable. Like, you could tell there was just something different about him. Something that would potentially pre-dispose you to cervical cancer years after you’d forgotten about him and married a sweet man from Alabama and had three beautiful children who were all very into archery. That guy’s the one.


2. He makes you feel safe.
If he’s constantly reassuring you that he doesn’t have HPV, then he’s likely riddled with it. Anyone who thinks they don’t have HPV clearly doesn’t know enough about its easy transmission to have had any shot at avoiding it. So, next time he proclaims he’s clean as a whistle, call an audible by calling a priest! You want a long-term partner who can look obvious peril in the face and say “What peril?”


3. You can be yourself around him.
When you can be open with your partner about the fact that you have HPV and he can be open about the possibility of having given it to you, there’s no turning back. He’s the One. Even if he’s not. Just go with it. It will give you closure and an excuse to stop aggressively texting all your exes and accusing them of ruining your life. Plus, no more condoms!



4. You’re still thinking about him after all these years.
Mainly because after you called it off, you developed a series of small bumps down there that you can only attribute to dating a man who slept with your upstairs neighbor the entire time you were together. So, not only is he probably responsible for your sexually transmitted disease, he’s also on the hook for your trust issues, which have amounted to $16,000 in therapy and antiviral medication.


5. He’s the One! (Literally)
If he’s the only man whose penis has been near your body, then chances are he’s the one who gave you the hip-vee. There is a small possibility that you sat on an infected toilet seat after someone did something terrible on it, but it would have be so soon after that you would have essentially had to be in the stall while the act was happening, in which case, you were probably also having sex with that person.


So the next time you’re daunted by having to pick from 3.5 billion men to find The One, remember: not all of them have what it takes to give you HPV. That narrows the pool to about 2 billion.


Happy fishing!