How To Get Into An Empty Relationship In Time For Christmas

Christmas Newsletter

The holidays are only four months away! If you’re hoping to prove you’re not pathetic by bringing home a merely symbolic significant other, it’s time to start looking today. But if you’re thinking to yourself, “How can I possibly find someone to keep me from feeling alone yet unfulfilled in time for several major holidays?” We’ve compiled a solution for every month to try out as the weeks tick by:


September: Wear white after Labor Day for the sake of starting a conversation. Anyone concerned with this fashion faux pas probably lacks any deeper problems in their life. What they lack in depth of human experience makes them ideal shallow relationship material! Dealing with a partner who criticizes your fashion sense is a small price to pay for avoiding the “There’s still time” speech from your Aunt Cathy on Christmas Eve.


October: Write a Missed Connection for “the handsome guy in Starbucks ordering a beverage.” If no one noticed your white capris last month, try casting a wider net using the biggest net there is: Craigslist! Even if you have very little in common with the person who responds, you can stretch the topic of your favorite caffeinated beverages at least until New Year’s.



November: Build a date out of Halloween decorations on Clearance. If you haven’t landed a shell of a man by Thanksgiving, it’s time to try a more proactive approach. There’s no emptier relationship than the one you build on a foundation of hollow plastic body parts. Recycle a life-size vampire statue designed to scare trick-or-treaters into a treat for your heart that will trick your grandparents into deflect their concern from “I hope she finds a husband” to “He’s awfully quiet.”


December: Just give up. Love finds you when you least expect it, so stop trying, and maybe you’ll finally get found! Probably not, though. You’ll probably be alone forever, but that’s no worse off than you are now. At least you won’t have to bother putting on lipstick for anyone but your parents.