According to the press conference she held earlier today, Lucy, one of the oldest known human ancestors, has joined Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and other various decrepit politicians in the 2024 Presidential Race.
Look out, folks! There’s a new bag of bones in town!
While a majority of the public was not aware of Lucy’s political pursuits, she was determined to set the record straight about her goals, as well as her professional experience.
“I’ve been working in politics for millions of years now,” Lucy told reporters. “And during that time, I’ve advocated for others, stood up for what’s right, and maintained focus throughout all my terms of service. I’ve actually crossed paths with Biden and Trump multiple times respectively in my career, and I look forward to seeing them once again at the debates.”
What a blast from the past! The past 3 million years, that is!
Even though Lucy is confident that she will run a successful campaign, many voters are skeptical about her ability to serve her country, or even run in general.
“I just don’t know if she’s aware of the issues that young voters are facing right now,” said 23-year-old Tai Matthews. “I mean, does she even know what TikTok is? Or about social media in general? Or what telephones are?”
Despite being 3.2 million years old, Lucy assured voters that she feels as young as ever, and is more than competent to manage any and all presidential duties.
Okay, spring chicken!
“I’ve seen a lot since my time as the Mayor of the corner of the forest I was living in during 3 million B.C.,” she said. “And that means I can adapt to anything in politics, just like I adapted to the changing climate millions of years ago by being one of the first primates to walk upright. And honestly, not much has changed since then!”
According to political scientists, and regular scientists, a lot has changed since then.
“I might not know what student loans are,” Lucy continued. “But that doesn’t really set me apart from most of the other candidates, so I think it’ll be a pretty close race.”
At press time, Lucy announced her running mate: the mummified remains of King Tutankhamun.
“He was the obvious choice,” Lucy told reporters. “Plus, he’s a lot younger than some of the other candidates.”
