In an unanticipated turn of events, Megan Thee Stallion has been declared the frontrunner in the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election.
The news came after voters overwhelmingly praised Megan’s SNL performance this weekend, in which she made more powerful, eloquent statements about our country in a few minutes than Joe Biden or Donald Trump could make in a fucking hour and a half.
“Am I shocked? Hell no,” says Kate Bedingfield, Joe Biden’s now former communications director, “Tuesday’s debate was a goddamn train wreck, and that’s supposed to be the best we’ve got for the highest office in our country? Megan Thee Stallion 20-fuckin-20.”
In her gripping performance of “Savage” on Saturday night, Megan Thee Stallion called on our nation to protect Black women, and she condemned Kentucky AG Daniel Cameron for lying about and intentionally mishandling Breonna Taylor’s murder case. In contrast, at Tuesday night’s debate, two grown ass men couldn’t let the other one talk uninterrupted long enough to make a statement on white supremacy, except of course for the one where our President blatantly endorsed it.
Janelle Moore, a former Bernie-turned-Biden supporter in the key battleground state of Michigan, was particularly horrified by the cringeworthy clusterfuck that was the first Presidential debate.
“That was like having a front-row seat to a live broadcast of every meeting I’ve ever been in. I don’t need to re-live that shit.”
Now, however, she plans to vote for Megan Thee Stallion after being completely captivated by her on-point performance Saturday night.
“The whole, ‘white men yelling over each other and never really saying a goddamn thing, especially when it comes to defending Black people’ thing is getting pretty fucking old,” Moore said. “We need someone who understands the real issues plaguing this country and how to speak up about them in a clear, compelling way. Someone who, you know, isn’t a crusty old dude in a perpetual dick-measuring contest.”
At press time, Megan Thee Stallion leads former frontrunner Joe Biden by an impressive eight points.
Several sources within the Trump campaign could not be reached for comment due to every fucking one of them testing positive for COVID-19. Honestly did anyone even want to hear from them anyway??