In a developing story out of downtown Los Angeles, your roommate Heather Liu has chosen war and engaged in a clear act of hostility by offering unsolicited comments about your food choices last night.
According to sources, your roommate came home and, seeing a large Domino’s pizza box on the dining table, said, “Is that all for you?”
Sources say a few full seconds passed in silence as you awed at the sheer magnitude of your roommate’s audacity. Then, extending an olive branch, you reportedly said in a clipped tone, “Yes? Did you want a slice?”
“No, thanks, I don’t like Hawaiian,” your roommate replied – a potential war crime.
Until this point, sources say that the inner pacifist in you was fully prepared to put down your arms and forget she ever said anything – when your roommate took it upon herself to offer the following thought: “You really love Domino’s! I don’t get how you can eat that much pizza and still be so healthy. I could never eat all that, but you do you!”
This act of completely unprovoked belligerence has shocked international communities, as your roommate has signaled that living peacefully means nothing to her, and she intends to keep shitting on basic personal boundaries.
In the wake of the sudden attack, you said, “My roommate has unilaterally chosen the path of war, throwing away months of cooperative living, sharing Advils, and washing each other’s forks,” you told reporters. “Everyone knows it’s not okay to stress each other about personal food choices. We’re just legal cohabitants, not nutritionists, let alone critical family members. Heather’s recent tactless attacks have left me no choice but to retaliate in self-defense.”
The Secretariat-General of the United Nations has urged both parties to come to the negotiating table, warning of the potential devastation of days of awkward coldness that could take place in Apartment 3E if tensions do not de-escalate.
However, you said, “It is not my intention to bring this household into a war. But just because we split the rent does not mean we’re dissolving all common-sense rules of respect here. If it’s a war my roomie wants, it’s a war she shall get.”
At press time, you Venmo-charged your roommate for half of the dish soap and paper towels you had bought for the unit.
