After years of ceaseless pulsating, a local vibrator has finally given up.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” says owner Stephanie Jensen, who requested that we use a pseudonym to respect her privacy. “It’s fully charged, the people at the store say it’s not broken. I think it’s just… exhausted.”
Jensen went on to explain that she only semi-regularly makes use of Mr. BuzzBuzz (another pseudonym she requested we use to respect the privacy of the vibrator.)
“I only use it like every other day, or sometimes every day… or sometimes all day. Okay, maybe I did wear it out.”
This revelation comes to no surprise to Jensen’s roommate, Kristen, with whom she shares a wall.
“I hear her going at it through the walls, especially on days she works from home,” explains Kristen. “It doesn’t sound like normal buzzing though. More like the vibrator is trying to escape?”
The vibrator was not available for comment, but Kristen swore she heard a faint cry for help coming from a sad little box under Jensen’s bed.
According to acclaimed “Sexpert,” Jane Corten, vibrators tend to become over-exhausted after their owners experience significant trauma, like a break up or if the Bachelor picks the stupid one instead of the great one.
Stephanie admits she may have been too rough with the vibrator.
“If I’m being honest with myself, yeah, it was showing signs of wear and tear. Do you know how hard it is to leave visible signs of damage with a vagina?”
After five years of near-continuous use, the stimulating sex object has lost its will to buzz.
