After the Supreme Court’s affirmative action ruling, the nation’s universities have collectively announced their plan to stop prioritizing diversity – unless it’s on the cover of their admissions brochures.
“Yeah, our hands are really tied with this new ruling,” said Raina Derry, an admissions officer at the University of California, Berkeley. “However, we want to make it abundantly clear that this won’t impact how many students of color we include on our promotional materials. In fact, we might even include more just to show where our priorities lie.”
Reporters found that said “priorities” were just “making money from the application fees of applicants of color.”
Admissions officers at other top universities agreed that the Supreme Court’s ruling would not impact the way they exploit their students of color for social capital.
“We might accept way fewer students of color than before, but that doesn’t mean we don’t value the good publicity their likenesses can bring us,” said James Duplass, an admissions officer at Yale University. “Diversity might be taking a backseat in the admissions process, but appearing as if we value diversity is still as important to us as ever!”
University officials explained that while diversity has never really mattered to them, the number of applications they receive definitely does.
“To be honest, we never really valued diversity that much in the first place,” said Doug Redding, Admissions Officer at the University of Chicago. “But it has always impacted the number of applications we receive. People applying for college care if that college is diverse, I guess? So, this ruling is honestly great because we really only need one to three students of color to put on the front of our admissions brochures. And those brochures are good for like five years.”
Other admissions officers agreed unanimously with Redding’s statements, assuring students across the country that their admissions brochures would never stop being diverse, whether or not said diversity accurately reflected their actual student body.
At press time, the nation’s universities released a statement saying they were excited to finally openly prioritize who they’ve always quietly prioritized anyways: white men.
