In a story that started fun but got dark really fast, 24-year-old Olivia Deemer ordered a new top from an international streetwear brand last week but was devastated to learn she’d chosen the wrong size. Now, what was once a joyous, exciting online order has become a dreaded, life-ruining return task.
“I was extremely stressed at work and bought the shirt as a form of retail therapy,” Olivia told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was desperately trying to smush her order into the original packaging. “But something that was just supposed to be fun has now added an additional task to my list. Is there no cosmic justice?”
After a spirited debate, reporters concluded: No.
In order to return the shirt, Olivia will have to reseal the package, print a return label, buy tape to attach it to the package, and drop it off at her nearest UPS, where the shirt company will not be reimbursing her for shipping costs. At the end of this process, if she wishes to buy a different size, she will have to re-order on the company’s website and wait another two weeks for it to ship.
“I already struggle with logistical tasks as-is,” she said. “That’s why I was in deep shit at work in the first place. Why are there so many parts to this process?”
Sources confirm this is kind of a normal number of parts, as far as processes go, and they’re all pretty easy. This will not stop Olivia from putting off the task until it is the very last possible day she can do it, at which point she will bolt awake, panic-run to the UPS depot, and plead with the worker to let her ship it internationally overnight without paying the associated $45 fee.
Please! She’s just a girl!
“I realized it was the wrong size while the mailman was still at my door – why couldn’t I have just given it right back to him?” Olivia asked no one in particular, appearing to be bargaining with God. “Am I being punished for the audacity to seek comfort via material means?”
As of press time, Olivia decided it was probably not worth the trouble to return the shirt – considering all the logistical requirements – and instead ate the cost, which is what the company was betting she’d do anyway.
Way to show ‘em, girl!
