In a devastating story emerging from a bathroom in Trent, NJ, 28-year-old Hayley Park has been astonished – and frightened – to find that coffee is not making her poop anymore, meaning she has functionally no way of knowing when she will need to poop next.
Uh oh! Time to start turning to more ancient laxative methods, maybe?
“I’ve relied on my morning cup of coffee to get stuff moving for as long as I can remember, you know?” Hayley told reporters from inside her office’s bathroom, where she’s been sitting for about 15 minutes, to no avail. “In fact, it’s the only thing that makes me poop at all. If coffee can’t make me poop anymore, what will? Will I ever poop again? Oh god!”
Sources confirm Hayley’s soft sobs could be heard from a few offices down. She maintains she’s been drinking coffee primarily as a laxative since her late teens.
“I noticed early on that my bowel movements left a little to be desired, and the only thing that seemed to help was a cup of joe,” she continued. “I genuinely hate the taste and the feeling of caffeine coursing through my veins, but the poop stuff has been super helpful, so I’ve come to accept those other undesirable effects.”
Experts fear that Hayley got complacent with her coffee consumption, leaving herself vulnerable to building a tolerance and therefore not being sensitive to the laxative effects anymore.
“We see this sort of thing in regular coffee drinkers all the time,” said gastrointestinal researcher Lyle Singh. “You start drinking a cup of coffee every couple of days to poop, then maybe every day once you get used to the routine, and then all of a sudden, you can’t poop at all without your cup of joe. That’s when you really need to stop, because a much scarier phase looms around the corner: the phase where coffee simply can’t make you poop at all.”
According to Dr. Singh, once someone reaches this stage, it’s almost impossible to come back.
“You’ve got to cut it cold turkey right then if you ever want coffee to make you poop again,” he continued solemnly, gazing out his window at the city below.
Meanwhile, Hayley was consuming prunes, rhubarb, chia seeds, kefir – anything to make her shit.
“It’s been three days, and I can’t take it anymore,” she continued, eating an entire spoonful of peanut butter even though reporters told her they didn’t think that would do anything significant. Best of luck, girl!
