There’s a hot new trend in town called dad bods, and no one is more excited than your pussy. A dad bod is what a you get when you take a regular man and add a beer gut and the occasional workout; a real-life Mr. Potato Head that you want to bang. Just because you put 20+ hours a week into maintaining your athletic-but-delicate body doesn’t mean his au naturale form isn’t a surefire pants party! So we’re putting you to the ultimate challenge: Try to make it through the end of this spread of panty-dropping, beer-bellied, fatherly-shaped, hot-ass dad bods without squirting.
1. Adam Sandler
Come to Mama, Papa! That pasty belly…that confused look…how can you not think of a Meat Lover’s Pizza when you look at this hottie hot hot dad bod? Nothing gets us steamier than picturing this Papa chowing down on breadsticks while we demurely pick at our salad. Squirting yet?
2. Current Leonardo DiCaprio
Oh Leo, you stole our hearts in Titanic and now you’re stealing our squirts with your dad bod! He looks cranky and worn down, like a real dad. And that’s what we want! You spend hours at the gym every week just so you can feel like you’re catching up to society, but watching this hottie throw in the towel is enough to make you squirt!
3. Current David Hasselhoff
Wowzers! Feels like we’re at the beach by how much we’re squirting already! How can you look at that vision of body hair and arms just gently hanging at his sides and not squirt a little bit? P.S.: Don’t forget you’ve got Pilates, yoga, boxing, and an hour run scheduled for tomorrow!
4. Kevin James
Be still our squirting vag! We haven’t been this wet since we saw a giant bag of potato chips and thought it was a dude. Just imagine using that relatable gut as your own pillow or a milkshake holder! It’ll be so comforting to grab onto his pushin’ cushion for moral support while you’re bracing your way through another juice cleanse.
5. Homer Simpson
Call us the fire department, because we could put out a four-alarmer with all this squirting! Looking at that bald head, that everyman stubble, and that bodacious belly makes us want to draw ourselves next to him. Unfortunately, we’re too at war with our own self-images to ever do something like that!
Hope you can still read this after that squirt-a-thon you just went through. Say goodbye to washboard abs and gym selfies from your crushes and say hello to Bud Light tallboys, Mythbuster marathons, and endless fleshy cuddling because the dad bod is here to stay. Now get off the computer and back to the gym, you garbage-statue!
