Mothers can often feel threatened by a new girlfriend. What if she only sees you as a big time sex monster, hell-bent on replacing her and bedding her son for all eternity? How can you come off as fragile and docile; the pretty, asexual life partner for her little boy? You only get one first impression; so make sure yours is that of a non-threatening baby bird with absolutely zero sex drive! Here’s how:
1. Look the Part – of a Tiny Baby Birdie!
How you dress yourself has a big impact on how others perceive you. If you want her to see you as a soft little bird, investing in fluffy, downy white outfits is sometimes not enough to fool Mom (mothers know best!). In addition to feathers, birds have beaks and are toothless, so kick it up a notch by having a pointy, upturned nose, pursed lips, and make no noises except when you hum a little tune during the big introduction. She’ll immediately want to feed you, Mama-bird style!
2. Plan the Perfect Dinner for Everyone!
You made a reservation, but Mom insists on having a home-cooked dinner—at your place. This is a big test—she wants to be certain her little boy and his future progeny will be well nourished and taken care of in his new life with you. Show off your culinary chops by scavenging him a hearty meal while serving yourself only the tiniest bird-like portions. Have dessert next to your open sock drawer, which is conspicuously devoid of any sex paraphernalia, and is mostly just full of socks. She’ll appreciate your mother hen instincts and rest easy in the knowledge that you have no libido.
3. Use the Proper Etiquette of Tiny Baby Birds!
Charm and manners go a long way with Moms. Make her a cozy nest to sit or sleep in, bring her shiny objects like little teacups, and look frightfully alert whenever she speaks. Trust us—she’s keeping tabs!
4. Cover Your Bosom.
Birds are remarkably asexual for one reason—their lack of mammaries! Make your chest look as flat as possible, covering it in a thick tuft of feathers (or button-up blouse).
5. Give Her a Warm, Sweet Goodbye
What you leave her with last is sometimes more important than the first hello. Fly away as quickly as possible so she doesn’t feel imposed upon by your presence. Or better yet, migrate to another, faraway place and leave her son alone for good. She’ll love you for that!
Mom will LOVE you and your soft little avian head. All that’s left is to enjoy your wedded bliss!