Time-Wasting Hummus Recipes

Hummus is healthy, tasty, and easily available at your local grocery store, but why buy store-made hummus when you can spend way more in man-hours making your own? Try our time-wasting recipes for hummus and you’ll spend days, weeks, even months of your life making a food that you could buy in minutes! PLUS: these recipes won’t save you ANY MONEY.


Easy Hummus


2 (16 ounce) cans chickpeas, drained

4 cloves garlic

1 ½ teaspoon salt

½ cup tahini

¼ cup EVOO


  1. Go to the store and buy the ingredients for the hummus.
  2. Combine all ingredients in a blender.
  3. Blend until smooth: this should take a while as your blender blade is dull and you don’t have the right liquid to solid ratio and also now it’s leaking because you didn’t screw it tight enough. Keep fighting to get it smooth – never give up.
  4. Give up.
  5. Dump the somewhat chunky blended mixture into a plastic bowl and serve with pita chips.
  6. Spend several hours cleaning up the dried hummus mess in the kitchen.


Time wasted: 7 hours

Money saved: -$4


Basic Hummus


1 (16 ounce) bag chickpeas, dried

2 cloves garlic

2 teaspoons kosher salt

6 tablespoons lemon juice, fresh-squeezed

¼ cup tahini

½ cup water

¼ cup EVOO


  1. Soak chickpeas in water overnight.
  2. The next day, go to get your slow cooker so you can cook the chickpeas.
  3. Realize you don’t actually own a slow cooker.
  4. Get in your car and drive to to JCPenney’s to buy a slow cooker.
  5. Think that you might get a better deal on one at Costco.
  6. Drive to Costco.
  7. Discover that Costco is members-only.
  8. Sign up for a meeting with a membership associate.
  9. Wait 20 minutes.
  10. Meet Dean, who’s very nice.
  11. Decide to sign up for a membership.
  12. Walk around Costco eating lasagna samples while your ID card prints.
  13. After 2 hours have elapsed, buy a slow cooker and drive home.
  14. At this point you should be exhausted, so retire for the day and watch Chopped.
  15. The next day, forget to cook the chickpeas.
  16. The day after that, remember the chickpeas.
  17. Spend 1-2 hours setting up your slow cooker and reading the manual.
  18. Cook chickpeas for 5-8 hours.
  19. Cool overnight.
  20. The next day, blend chickpeas, garlic, salt, and lemon juice together.
  21. When mixture is blended, drizzle in olive oil.
  22. Scrape into bowl and serve with store-bought pita wedges because by now you have used every ounce of creative energy you will ever possess.


Time wasted: 5 days

Money saved: -$135



Garlic Hummus


Basic Hummus (Use above recipe)

2 bulbs garlic, homegrown preferred


  1. Get the idea to make your own hummus.
  2. Wait until spring to till an area in your yard in which to plant a garden.
  3. Make several trips to the garden supply store to pick out the right type of mulch.
  4. Plant a garden. Note: Remember to include several garlic plants in your garden.
  5. Every week or so, go out and pull the weeds that surround the plants in your garden.
  6. In the late summer, harvest some garlic.
  7. Select two perfect bulbs of garlic. Hopefully, you remembered to plant some.
  8. Clean the dirt off them; they ‘re from the ground so they should be really filthy.
  9. Discover they’ve been infested with bulb mites.
  10. Research bulb mite remedies.
  11. Sprinkle pepper on garlic bulbs.
  12. Wait a week.
  13. Discover bulb mites in your son’s hair.
  14. Discard bulbs.
  15. Go to grocery store.
  16. Buy garlic.
  17. Drizzle garlic bulbs with olive oil and roast at 275° for two hours.
  18. When garlic is fully roasted, squeeze roasted cloves into 1 batch of Basic Hummus, and blend.
  19. Serve in clay bowl that you hand-threw in ceramics class at the junior college, with a side of unwashed whole carrots.


Time wasted: 1 growing season or approximately 6 months.

Money saved: -$839


Your Special Hummus


Ingredients for Basic Hummus

1 Culinary degree


  1. Attempt to make Basic Hummus.
  2. Fail.
  3. Apply and enroll into culinary school.
  4. Start classes.
  5. Continue attending classes five days per week for two years, all while building your skills in pastry, sautéing, grilling, and plating.
  6. Graduate with honors.
  7. Do a two-year apprenticeship with a small local Greek restaurant.
  8. When near done, start a giant screaming fight with the head chef and walk out in a huff.
  9. Stop on the way home and buy the ingredients for Basic Hummus.
  10. Place ingredients for Basic Hummus in a blender.
  11. Add whatever herbs and spices your culinary degree plus your two years experience inspire you to add.
  12. Serve with homemade bread stolen from the job you just quit.


Time wasted: 4 years

Money saved: $-39,579


With our simple time-wasting recipes, you’ll soon be in the kitchen wasting time that could be better spent on more important things, like finding a job. Who needs a tub of Sabra when you could have a whole bowl of wasted time?