25-year-old investment banker Brian Johnson shocked friends and colleagues this past Friday by calling a press conference to announce that “there’s no such thing as toxic masculinity,” despite the fact that Johnson was known throughout all four years of college as “Little Bitch Pissbaby”.
“Toxic masculinity just isn’t real,” said Johnson, who was once forced to chug a bottle of chocolate syrup and then run an obstacle course without throwing up in order to join his fraternity, Kappa Kappa Omega. “It’s just another thing the woke left has come up with in order to ruin men’s lives and stand-up comedy.”
Several former fraternity brothers of Johnson expressed their support for his take on the matter.
“Little Bitch Pissbaby has a point,” said Johnson’s former frat brother Stephen Taylor, who was once forced to scrub the KKO frat house’s floor with a toothbrush during hazing. “My nickname in college was Cuckmaster McPigdick, but that’s just because my fraternity brothers and I were so close, we could talk about anything – as long as it wasn’t too gay. There was nothing toxic about our relationship.”
“Just thinking about it makes me want to cry like a stupid little baby who can’t control his emotions and shits and pisses himself like a little bitch,” added Taylor, his face frozen in a smile, before excusing himself to return to work at Goldman Sachs.
But not everyone agreed with Johnson.
“Brian’s relationships with men throughout his life have been, therapeutically speaking, totally fucked up,” said Johnson’s one-time therapist, Dr. Sheila Rivers. “The casual sexism and homophobia, fixation on an unattainable ideal of ‘manliness’, and avoidance of healthy emotional processing that have plagued him his entire life have left him emotionally stunted.”
“Plus,” added Rivers, “I’m like 80% sure some guy in his fraternity named ‘Dick Spud’ died in a hazing-related boating accident, which is… not great.”
Nevertheless, Johnson remains adamant in his belief that toxic masculinity is a figment of the left’s imagination.
“My last name is Johnson,” he said passionately in a filmed follow-up to his press conference. “Think about all the names those guys could have called me. Penisfield Foreskin III. Thickshaft McScrotum. Citizen Vein. But did they? No. They gave those names to other guys, as a sign of respect to me. What you call ‘toxic masculinity,’ I just call good old-fashioned male bonding.”
“I can’t wait for my son to carry on my legacy at my alma mater one day,” he added proudly.
At press time, Johnson was screaming at his two-year-old son to suck it up, take it like a man, and get ready to play tackle football in the fall.
