After determining that a traditional inauguration parade and ceremony would be imprudent in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Biden-Harris Presidential Transition team has announced that it will instead be replaced with a cute but ultimately depressing Zoom game night.
“A majority of voters supported President-elect Biden because he understands how to empathize with the average American,” said Jen O’Malley Dillon, Biden’s campaign manager and incoming White House deputy chief of staff. “What better way to demonstrate that empathy than swapping out a grand event for a boring evening of Kahoot like the rest of us?”
The Biden Inaugural Committee has actively discouraged supporters of the president-elect from gathering on the National Mall on January 20th and believes hosting a semi-awkward video call on an app most users associate with work will serve as a successful deterrent to attendance.
“It’ll be pretty low-key – whoever can show up and we’ll play Jackbox or whatever,” said Ted Kaufman, the president-elect’s transition co-chair. “We might throw up an Among Us code and delete it if nobody logs on.”
“I don’t know,” Kaufman sighed while fiddling with a rubber band and looking nowhere in particular. “We’re open to other thoughts if any Americans wanna DM us.”
Sources close to the incoming Biden administration confirmed that the President-elect plans to personally send individual texts to all 328.2 million Americans to see if they’re “down for a virtual hang” to commemorate the 59th quadrennial presidential inauguration while assuring them that there are “no worries at all if they’ve got other stuff goin’” that afternoon.
“As we did throughout 2020, we are planning to be flexible,” said Carlos Elizondo, Biden’s incoming White House Social Secretary. “As of now, for example, we are planning to post an Instagram story encouraging the president-elect’s followers to hit us up for the Zoom link.”
“But as the coming days unfold,” Elizondo clarified, “we have not ruled out the possibility that we will send the Zoom link out even to those who did not hit us up.”
In a series of tweets, outgoing President Trump lambasted Biden’s inaugural plans, taking particular aim at the choice of Quiplash as one of the activities.
“Snarkin’ Schmitty RIGS THE POINT COUNTING,” the President falsely claimed in an attack on the fictional character who announces the game. “Round 3 worth triple points, but RESULTS IN LEAST FUNNY ANSWERS. Dominion involved?”
At press time, President-elect Biden had launched the inauguration meeting early and was seen toggling various virtual backgrounds of DC landmarks while waiting for his first attendees to show up.