The Six Best Colleges for Not Getting Raped

A recent U.S. News & World Report survey of female high school seniors shows a spike in demand for safer college campuses with a low risk of sexual assault. “The results are clear,” says guidance counselor Mallory Elmore. “The trend we’re seeing for 2015 is a high demand for not being raped.”


Over 90% of survey participants indicated that their first-choice college must have strong extracurricular options, a good teacher-to-student ratio, and not-rape. In fact, when polled about whether they prefer “rape” or “not rape,” most prospective college students strongly favored “not rape.” So, we’ve compiled our own list of schools for rising seniors of the six best colleges for not getting raped:


6. Geusen College – Hologram Campus

If you’re looking for a small women’s liberal arts college, you won’t find this one, because it is hidden by a series of state-of-the-art holograms, specifically designed to confuse and disorient the male brain. Located in an undisclosed location in the Northern Hemisphere, this isolated 40-acre campus is rumored to be extremely beautiful. We say, “rumored” because their website redirects to a splash page with a photo of a dove clutching a gun. Classes start every eight weeks.


5. Miss Price School for Girls

Although it is technically a finishing school for little girls, the Miss Price School for Girls is a great choice for any grad who would prefer not to be raped at school. They offer degree programs in Silverware Placement, Playing Nice, and Curtsying. Campus security (a butler named Teddysworth) reports the school has had only one sexual assault on campus, and that “Bumbly Bear has not been asked back after he reportedly touched Dolly’s no-no.” Rolling admissions are available through August 1st.


4. Shrimms College of Queens, NY

Run by three middle-aged women who “don’t take no sh*t from nobody,” Shrimms has a no-rape feel while the big, rape-y city is just minutes away. Choose from over seven majors, including Yelling, Purse Item Weaponry, and Overzealous Police Officer Management. If you’ve ever taken a women’s self defense class at a dojo in Queens, you may be able to transfer credits. Four years here will have you well prepared for the statistically rare occurrence of stranger rape. Apply online.



3. Shira Uni-her-sity

Though not a traditional university, Shira Uni-her-sity’s four-week chakra workshop can be transferred to almost any college that acknowledges Mother Gaia. The atypical campus is a lovely living room of two culturally Jewish sextagenarian lesbians named Hannah. You can major in Sometimes Vegan or Half-Assed Crafting, with minors in All-Caps Emails and Litter Scooping. Requires SAT, ACT, or a beautiful Warrior 2.


2. Duggar University

While not an accredited university, the frustratingly nice stars of TLC’s “19 Kids and Counting” are experienced homeschoolers who have probably never raped anyone. You’ll save money on books, since there’s only one Good Book on your materials list. Ride the complimentary school bus to campus, where you can enroll in courses like Barrel Curls 101, Intro to Raising Younger Siblings, and Courting. Duggar University boasts a competitive 19:1 teacher to student ratio. With the friendly communal spirit (and ubiquitous TV cameras), there’s nearly no chance of getting assaulted. Open admissions until show is cancelled.


1. DeVry University

What better way to prevent rape than to never leave your house? Online universities like DeVry offer students the luxury of choosing class times that work around your “clutching-hammer-while-peeking-through-blinds” schedule. The full report of all violent crimes at DeVry boasts an impressive “N/A” for sexual assault. You can get your associate degree in accounting, bachelor’s in healthcare management, or even your master’s in education, all while isolating yourself from a world that tacitly cheers on the wholesale objectification of half its inhabitants. Apply online.