At the end of a long day, you love to come home and unwind in a nice saltwater bath. Luckily, you can fill the tub with fresh, warm tears from the eyes of sad, disenfranchised men. From Women’s History Month to his girlfriend’s new promotion, here are by far the freshest male tears to straight up bathe in:
International Women’s Day Tears
Hands down, the saltiest male tears fall on International Women’s Day. So pull out your Mason jars, ladies, and every time you hear a man complain, “Why isn’t there an International Men’s Day?”, collect the anime-like stream of sad male tears pouring out of his sad male eyes. Really luxuriate in this experience since it only comes once a year.
Obviously not all men are enemies of women, but all men who sincerely use the #NotAllMen hashtag are, and that’s gonna make them super sad! Every time a man tweets this, you can collect fresh tears by turning his keyboard upside-down directly over your bathtub. Fill your tub to the brim and submerge your entire body into their deep fears of losing their privilege. Feel the warming sensation of sloshing around in male sadness give you strength.
Adult male human tears are composed of water, mucin, lipids, lysozyme, lactoferrin, lipocalin, lacritin, immunoglobulins, glucose, urea, sodium, and potassium. The most potent combination of these chemicals can be derived from the constant streams that pour from the ducts of MRAs, or Men’s Rights Activists. You may have to trek many miles to the basements of homes in suburbs across the country, but it always tastes better to bottle these at the source.
If you really want to spoil yourself, get your hands on the teardrops of politicians who oppose women’s reproductive rights or just want to cry in order to get their way. Plentiful, yet harder to come by, these exotic beauties are so delicious, you’ll want to drink the whole bath while you’re in it. Go ahead and lap it up to feel renewed from the inside out. Remember: Congressmen tears are worth more than congresswoman tears, so save these for a special occasion.
The next time you’re looking to soothe your body and soul by lolling around in a vat of men’s unearned sadness, seek out the highest-quality tears equality has to offer. You deserve it!