QUIZ: Why Are You Like This?

Have you ever woken up to find crushed Cheetos in your bed? Are you prone to tripping on flat ground? Do you ever binge-watch old episodes of The Hills? Why are you like that? Take this quiz to find out why you are like this.


1. What are you wearing?

a. A snuggie with nothing underneath

b. Soffe shorts

c. Wine-stained ball gown

d. Fashion is a social construct


2. What was the last thing you ate?

a. A chocolate chip that fell under the fridge

b. *loudly slurps gogurt*

c. Expired caviar

d. I’ve been eating exclusively Soylent since birth


3. Who was the last person you texted?

a. Accidentally butt-dialed my dead grandma and sent her the poop emoji

b. When my moms in the shower I play Tetris on her phone

c. The Duchess of Cambridge, which is what I call my weed dealer

d. Well I wrote a letter to my pen pal. Oh sorry if you don’t know what writing is, it’s like texting but instead of a phone you use a processed tree. Ha!


4. When did you last shower?

a. I walked home in the rain yesterday

b. My mom says I have to shower later cause I went to the pool today

c. Tried using a bath bomb this morning but it exploded and now I have no bathtub

d. What you call “showering” I call “rinsing myself with a washcloth and baking soda”


5. What is your favorite physical feature about yourself?

a. The back of my knees because I can’t see them

b. My still-developing boobs

c. My new nose. I mean my new new nose. The first two were hideous

d. My aero-dynamic head shape


6. Who’s your celebrity crush?

a. Shia Laboeuf

b. Shawn Mendes

c. The Duchess of Cambridge—the real one

d. Bill Gates



If you answered mostly…


A’s: You’re like this because you just don’t have your shit together, like at all. Take a shower but maybe don’t fall asleep in it this time. Eat a vegetable. Please for the love of god eat a vegetable.


B’s: You’re like this because you’re a teenager, possibly even a tween. It’s not your fault because everyone is like this at that age. Wear deodorant.


C’s: You’re like this because you’re literally a princess and also a walking disaster. Everything you do is almost something that would be fitting for the royal family, but instead you fuck it all up.


D’s You’re like this because you ran one marathon and are now excessively cocky. Normally we’d say, “go take a hike” but you’d actually enjoy that. Just go take a nap. Drink a margarita in a hammock. Seriously why are you like this?