We all love spending the day on our company’s annual whale-watching trip, but this year, something seemed off with the grizzled old sea captain, who kept singing really specifically problematic and pretty offensive songs at us. Here are the five worst songs he sang:
‘Hark Ye Ladies, Show Us Yer Underclothes’
This one sounds pretty straightforward, but it involved a lot of yelping. The yelping was bad because it scared off the whales, but the lyrics were worse because they were all about cat-calling women. Glenda from HR tried to stop the old sea captain from singing the song, but he just said, “Arr, there be no HR on the sea!” and kept going. He wasn’t technically wrong, but everyone wished he was.
‘The Democrats Are Comin’ To Take Away Yer Muskets, Ye Old Sea Dogs’
What surprised us most was how specific this song was. It had a lot of statistics about guns in it. Glenda was fuming. “This boat is a floating lawsuit,” she kept muttering from underneath her plastic poncho. This was definitely the catchiest of all the sea shanties, even though the lyrics were all about how you should turn your family into a heavily armed militia.
‘What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor’
We all breathed a sigh of relief when we heard the old sea captain start in on this traditional favorite. Then we realized that he had changed the words so it was all about how he didn’t believe in climate change. This was the kind of emotional rollercoaster we were starting to get used to. We also hadn’t seen a single whale at this point, and people were beginning to get tense about it.
‘God Strike Down Ye Gay Marriage’
This one was especially difficult to listen to because whales have been known to engage in homosexual behavior. By this point, everyone had given up all hope of ever seeing a whale again. We just wanted the songs to end.
‘Gender Is Fixed At Birth’
This song was the last straw for pretty much everyone. Glenda grabbed a cutlass and started helping everyone into the lifeboats. “Ye won’t last more than a few moments on the sea!” bellowed the old sea captain, brandishing a mostly-empty bottle of rum at us. “We’ll see about that,” came a deep voice from behind the boat. We all turned around just in time to see an enormous whale leap out of the sea and swallow the old sea captain whole! Everyone from Intern Katie to the COO agreed it was one of those magical moments that makes whale-watching so special.
So there you have it! Those were the five most problematic sea shanties the old sea captain sang at us before he was devoured by a whale on our annual corporate whale-watching trip. We all had fun, and we only threw up twice. You know what they say: All’s whale that ends whale!
