When it comes to dresses and skirts, nothing adds that special touch of whimsy like pockets. As a modern woman with places to go, you instinctually know you have things you should be putting in your pockets. But just what are those things?! Here’s a run-down of some must-have items to keep in your pockets.
Don’t leave home without them – and don’t even think about putting them in your handbag!
Matchbook
We’ve all been there: It’s your niece’s birthday and your airhead sister left the lighter inside. By whipping out the book of matches stashed in the pockets of your sunniest sundress, your niece won’t have to wait to make her wish, and you’ll light up everyone’s day! Pockets to the rescue!
Tampon
Any career woman knows that carrying her handbag to the restroom is a red flag that she is just not management material. Your male colleagues don’t have to take a break in the workday to sop up their decaying uterine walls, so you shouldn’t let them in on what you’re doing. Slipping a tampon into the pockets of your belted shirtdress could mean the difference between “promotion” and “poverty.”
Hand Sanitizer
Any woman knows that life occasionally gets messy. Whether you’re shaking the hand of a sniffly-nosed dinner party guest or burning off your fingerprints so the leaders of your former secret society won’t track you down, a little squirt of hand sanitizer from the pockets of your bubble skirt will make sure you stay clean and disease-free.
Pet Scorpion
Let’s face it: The dog-in-handbag trend has been done to death. Poisonous arachnids are what’s hot now, and as a proud scorpion owner, you know this better than anyone. Don’t leave your best friend and trusted sidekick at home in his cage while you sip Mimosas at brunch with your closest enemy in your favorite floral print frock.
Blood Diamonds
While it’s probably not a good idea to flash the winnings of your most recent militaristic takeover the same way your girlfriends’ show off their Tiffany’s engagement rings, you don’t have to leave them confined to your jewelry box either. Delight in the knowledge that your secret bounty is sparkling inside the scalloped-edge pockets of your lace sundress.
Treasure Map
The man who murdered your family made one fatal mistake: He underestimated your innovative style. While he was busy cleaning the blood off his machete, you were stealthily stuffing the directions to his top-secret bank vault in the Andes into the pockets of your pleated A-line. Who’s got the last laugh now? Your pockets, that’s who.
Detonation Code to North Korea’s Atom Bomb
Once you flirt your way inside Kim Jong-il’s tomb, resist the urge to take a selfie with the former Supreme Leader’s decaying corpse. Get the code, slip it into the satin-lined pockets of your empire-waist cocktail dress, and get the hell out of there. The security of the free world hinges on you getting that code into your pocket.
More Pockets
Wake up. We live in a fractured reality that is a part of a complex matrix of other computer-generated realities just like this one. You want more pockets? Create more pockets. Your awareness of this is literally the only thing keeping any of us alive at any “moment” (REMEMBER: TIME IS A CONSTRUCT.) The only limits to the pockets of your soft, jersey-knit day-dress are the ones you allow your mind to impose.
Always remember: It’s your world, your pockets!
