In a developing story coming out of an emergency meeting of the stuffed animals in 27-year-old Yvonne Hart’s bedroom, the plushies are starting to worry that they’re responsible for the lack of action that Yvonne is getting.
“I just feel like there’s been a few occasions where a guy will come back to her apartment, see us, and get really cagey,” said Rex, Yvonne’s stuffed shark from the Atlanta aquarium. “I’m starting to worry that we’re hurting her more than we’re helping.”
When probed on the mismatch of his name and identity as a shark, Rex explained that Yvonne thought it would be funny.
“Okay yes, maybe she hasn’t had sex in the past six months partially because there are 23 of us on the bed at all times,” Bongo, a stuffed bear from Yvonne’s childhood, chimed in. “I just can’t imagine it’s helping her prospects or making potential suitors feel ‘at home’ in this environment.”
The animals confirmed Yvonne has yet to “seal the deal” with any man who has returned to her apartment in recent memory, probably because she refuses to take the stuffed animals off her bed even if the guy asks.
“I just asked if we could put the giraffe one down because it was giving me a really weird look,” said Don Davis, one of Yvonne’s recent “almost flings.” “She said no really firmly then said if I was ‘the type of guy who gets nervous around plushies’ she couldn’t see it going any further between us.”
The giraffe one, colloquially known as Brian, does have a disconcerting grin, but it’s genetic.
“Listen, I get it. I wouldn’t want to have sex with me on the bed either,” Brian added. “I’ve got a creepy face. The truth is Yvonne needs to learn when to put us away. We wouldn’t be mad, genuinely!”
As far as whether the plushies are responsible for Yvonne’s lack of “action,” scientists say no.
“It’s just a symptom of the greater issue,” said Dr. Ian Farnsworth of the Pew Institute. “The greater issue is that she’s weird as hell.”
As of press time, the plushies had hosted an intervention for Yvonne where they announced that they would rather she put them away if she were planning on having a guy over. Yvonne didn’t seem to take this into consideration, because she was much more shocked that they could speak.
