Oh, you’re tired? Sorry—were you busy photographing your jumpsuit-clad body from three different angles for Instagram? If not, then get with the program because you don’t know what tired EVEN. IS. Time for some tough love: You’ve been sleeping like a basic bitch and we’ve had it up to here with you.
What you’ve been doing: Laying down every night for eight hours.
What you should be doing: First of all, what? If you need eight hours of sleep, you might as well just buy yourself an L.L. Bean mock-turtleneck and bury yourself alive. Get up right now! That hair isn’t going to flip itself!
What you’ve been doing: Putting on eye cream before bed.
What you should be doing: If your nightly regimen doesn’t take 45 minutes and involve a wig specialist, an industrial-strength wind machine, a relaxation coach and several drag queens who do nothing but file their nails and throw shade, then we don’t even know what to do with you.
What you’ve been doing: Dreaming.
What you should be doing: Running shit.
What you’ve been doing: Letting the four stages of sleep come and go in a biologically sound rhythm.
What you should be doing: Get your sleep stages in check immediately—image is everything. They should be showing up whenever they damn well please and rolling deep with an entourage of at least 20. Deal.
What you’ve been doing: Rapid Eye Movement.
What you should be doing: Remixed Eye Movement (feat. Diplo)—bonus points if you let Iggy Azalea rap the bridge. Your eyes aren’t just gonna rapidly move like some sort of peasant’s eyes. They’re gonna diva stomp and let the beat drop or nothing at all.
What you’ve been doing: Sleeping in a bed.
What you should be doing: Sleeping on the back of a white tiger.
What you’ve been doing: Tagging selfies #IWokeUpLikeThis and jokingly looking like a disaster.
What you should be doing: Being goddamn flawless 24/7 because what do you think this is, a game or something? Bow down.
