Despite barely graduating from college with a 2.3 GPA nearly a decade ago, 29-year-old Katie Tanaka has recently been plagued with recurring nightmares of missing classes and failing her courses.
Uh oh, someone call up Ari Aster!
“Lately, I’ve been waking up stressed and panicked that I forgot about the physics midterm,” the Chicago local told reporters. “Even though when I was in college that literally didn’t matter to me – I always woke up high or hungover and missed quite a few of my midterms. Also, I never took a physics class in my life. I don’t know why my subconscious is trying to push this chilling revisionist history on me.”
Experts say this type of stress dream is a common occurrence among many former middling college students and is likened to the mind’s version of irony, although academic circles remain divided on the origin of why it occurs.
“Many theorize it’s the person’s super-ego playing a little prank on them, like their very own Ashton Kutcher on Punk’d,” said leading psychologist Dr. Tamara Stone. “However, others equate it to What Would You Do? and John Quiñones, saying it’s more of a ‘Ha-ha, but what if?’ situation. Either way, it’s terrifying that our mind goes there.”
Katie reports that these dreams have been more frightening than all five years of college combined.
“This morning, I woke up and my jaw was cramped from grinding my teeth in stress of missing an important lecture,” she said. “When have I ever cared about attending lecture? I slept in during all of them – that’s why I specifically chose 8am classes! College would’ve been horrifying if I cared as much about it as I do in these nightmares.”
To mitigate these dreams, Katie told reporters she’s been meditating and practicing yoga to relax before bed.
“I just have to repeat my mantras ‘C’s get degrees’ during my self-care routine before I go to sleep. So, my subconscious can stop being on my ass about ‘making it to class’ and ‘being present during lectures.’”
However, as of press time, Katie reported her nightmares had simply shifted into stress dreams about perpetually coming late to work, despite almost never being on time in real life.
