Despite having no prior experience in business, 29-year-old Flora Benson was granted immediate and unchecked insider access to Walgreens’ resources and facilities thanks to a too-long trip to the store’s restroom.
“I was having, for lack of a better phrase, ‘the poops,’” Benson told reporters. “It happens whenever I spend too long perusing the aisles in a store. I think I spent at least two hours in that Walgreens browsing wrist braces, and I’m not even in the market! I guess I just really wanted to get to know the merchandise.”
According to reports, Benson tirelessly worked her way up from not being trapped inside a Walgreens, to being very much trapped inside of one in the course of just 25 toilet-bound minutes – and all it took was ignoring the Walgreens employee who came in at closing time and asked, “Is anyone taking a prolonged shit in here?”
“That kind of astronomical growth is unheard of in this business,” said Walgreens CEO, Rosalind Brewer. “She just came in for a late-night Snickers and now she has a direct and substantial impact on our company’s bottom line? Business gurus take notes – I know I am.”
“I guess some of us are just lucky,” Benson told reporters, after being rescued from the Cheez-It castle she had crafted around herself in the night. “Sure, I worked hard. I browsed the holiday display in this Walgreens for way longer than other, normal people do. So, I’m not discounting the time I put in. I’m just acknowledging the fact that thousands of people would kill to be in the position I’m in right now.”
Reporters confirmed that the “position” in question was, in fact, “lying on a stretcher outside Walgreens in a self-proclaimed ‘Takis coma.’”
When asked about the state in which she left the store, Benson stated, “Did I ‘do some damage’ to their ROI? I guess. Is their bottom line ‘fucked’ because of me? Who can say? All I know is I got trapped inside that Walgreens equipped with nothing but an empty stomach, eight hours to kill, and a child’s approach to stress, and I still managed to get a coveted inside scoop on a publicly traded company.”
She later went on to express remorse, but admitted she ultimately felt it was all worth it, because, “Now I know where they keep the stamps.”
It is uncertain whether or not she could wield that information to her advantage in the commercial marketplace.
At press time, Benson had been added to Forbes’ 30 Under 30 List and has plans to get another Snickers from her local Walgreens again soon, with company shareholders on their knees, begging her not to.