In a move that has been heralded as “super fucking annoying,” smug bitch Sharon Jacobs, of Hartford, CT, confirmed Friday that she has indeed completed all of her holiday shopping for her entire extended family.
Jacobs wrapped up her seasonal preparations and looks forward to enjoying the holidays without the added stresses of purchasing thoughtful and unique gifts for loved ones, as well as “the people who might buy me something, just in case.”
“I saw that shrew walking into her house with an armful of bags,” said a neighbor, “By the time I peered into her windows an hour later, she already had everything perfectly gift-wrapped. Even the round packages looked professional! She’s the goddamned worst.”
“I just feel more confident going into the month of November knowing that it’s done,” said Jacobs, from her perfectly organized home with its well-manicured lawn. “But that’s just me. I guess some other people thrive under pressure.”
“Last year, Sharon filed her taxes in January,” said one friend, who wished to remain anonymous. “Another time, I gave her a gift for her birthday and she had a thank you note in my mailbox, accompanied by a piece of leftover cake, by the end of the day. Who does she think she is?”
Sharon documented her efficient yet thorough shopping trip on Instagram with the caption, “You snooze, you lose!”
“It all feels like a slap in the face,” says one Instagram follower.
Sharon admits that she’s having trouble figuring out what to do with all her newfound free time. “I would have used it to make hand-made Halloween costumes for my kids,” she says, “But I finished those back in July!”