QUIZ: Which Of The Only Three Restaurants You Ever Order From Is Right For You Tonight?

With infinite restaurant choices, choosing dinner can be impossible! Especially when, as much as you try to fool yourself, you can’t get out of bed and cook or even attempt to order some garbage from anywhere but those three mediocre restaurants you love: Thai Yum Yum Yes Eat, Royal Falafel, and one of those two sushi restaurants you keep mixing up. Luckily, we’ve crafted the perfect quiz to help you through this tricky, routine decision as you sit super alone in the dark:


1. How much time did you spend pretending like you’d “try a new place” before ending up in this same sad spot?

a. None, honestly. I know what kind of night tonight’s gonna be.

b. I had to wait for my nails to dry before opening my laptop. By the time I could open it, I had accepted my fate.

c. I’ve been scrolling through the Seamless options for 45 minutes! Todd used to always decide for us.


2. Fuck, what’s your Seamless password again?

a. Like I’d ever forget my Seamless password. Come on.

b. KweenKuntxx69

c. I make up a brand new password every time I need one so really who’s to say?! (It’s ToddIMissYouxoxox.)


3. Are you accidentally sending this order to your ex’s apartment?

a. Made that mistake already and swiftly learned from it.

b. If I do, I’ll just blame it on one of my interns.

c. I’m sending it to my ex on purpose! My perfect food order will totally make Todd regret breaking up with me!


4. The delivery guy is downstairs. Do you put on a bra?

a. Once that bad boy comes off after work, it stays off.

b. I sleep in a push-up bra. Just in case there’s a fire in my building and I have to assert my place as the hottest burn victim on the block.

c. Yes! On my head, cause I’m wacky as hell!!! Todd just couldn’t handle that about me.



5. Will you actually eat these leftovers, or just keep them in your fridge until they get weird and gunky, then throw them out?

a. Gunk City, baby!

b. What is “gunk”? Is that like when you’re so tiny and fit and put together that boys keep dropping to their knees to kiss your feet?

c. Todd called my vagina “Gunk City.” Haha!


6. Is sex maybe gonna happen tonight?


b. If I summon sex to me, hours of cunnilingus will happen to me. Mark my words.

c. For a wild n’ crazy n’ sad gal like me, sex with Todd could always MAYBE happen! But he’s seeing someone else now so no, probably not.


Mostly A’s:

Thai Yum Yum Yes Eat is the place for you tonight! Hole up, get cozy, and do you tonight. Get amped to hammer down some spring rolls and pad thai while re-bingeing Scandal, you boring slob!


Mostly B’s:

It’s Royal Falafel tonight, you queen! You’re feeling yourself and deserve the absolute royal treatment only this Mediterranean grill can provide. Chow down on some schwarma and tabouleh tonight, you motherfucking despot!


Mostly C’s:

Order from one of those two sushi places you keep mixing up tonight! You’re feeling adventurous and ready to eat whatever comes your way. Whether it’s finely sliced fresh tuna or that imitation crab that gave Todd food poisoning, you’re ready for anything.