You’re a strong and capable woman—which should come as a surprise to all of those basic bitches that said you’d never make it out of the Midwest, let alone learn how to use public transportation. Here’s a list of the six people who were totally wrong about you:
Your third grade teacher. She said you wouldn’t amount to much without the multiplication tables, but guess who has an iPhone with a calculator and like six credit cards? You hope she’s enjoying her cherished memories of a imparting her love and wisdom to children—she’ll need them to get through being so wrong about your inability to stay on task. But you don’t have time to dwell on this—you’re going to go skip out of your temp gig early to do whip-its with your step-sister in the parking lot.
Renee from Citibank. Renee was concerned you’d regret not taking advantage of that low interest rate, and boy is she wrong now! Yeah, it would have been great to consolidate some of those student bookstore debts onto a card that also earned your air miles, but you’re sticking with your Diner’s Club card and there’s nothing anyone can do about it! Eat it, Renee!
Your therapist. He gently suggested you find ways to recognize and stop the negative self-talk that plagues your worthless, sack-of-shit brain nearly 24 hours a goddamn day. He said that developing a strategy to combat these feelings would help you find focus and feel better about yourself. Sorry, but some of us find that constant negativity and self-loathing feeds our creative spark, Dr. Steve! Have fun spending that hour each week with someone else who’s “willing to make changes” asshole!
Those popular kids who made fun of your glasses. It’s almost like they had no idea how hot you would be if you’d simply taken them off. And now you never will, just to spite them.
That friendly little-boy ghost who lived in the shed behind your grandma’s house. He said that you would never be happy if you kept pursuing your anti-social ways like he did before he died alone in that empty refrigerator. Well you’re totally happy without a bunch of dumb friends who’d probably haunt you long after they’d overstayed their welcome anyways.
Now that you feel confident about overcoming expectations, get out there and do your thing! Just remember to hold onto that anger you feel about those people who doubted you, and never, ever forgive them. A healthy amount of simmering rage is key to helping you achieve even more!
