You’re seeing a new guy who seems like the total package: he’s tall, he’s got a bangin’ bod, and he’s over six feet. But wait—what if he’s lousy at Mario Kart? While there are no fail-safe rules to predict his skill behind the controller, look for these signs and you’ll save yourself the time and the trouble of getting into game mode with someone who doesn’t know what he’s doing.
He Can’t Dance
Usually if a man lacks rhythm on the dance floor, he lacks rhythm in the world of virtual go-kart racing as well. Not being able to get in sync at the club means you won’t find a flow sitting side-by-side on the couch together, which is a bad sign because Mario Kart is about more than simple biology and smashing buttons with your hands. Mario Kart is about passion, partnership, and chemistry—the same things that make for great dancing. Which means that if your man is moving like he just slipped on a banana peel in real life, he’ll likely do so at the finish line, costing you the Gold Trophy you deserve.
He Never Compliments You
If you’re sleeping with a guy who doesn’t regularly make you feel beautiful, it’ll be hard for you to exude confidence in the Grand Prix as you race through Donkey Kong’s jungle trying to win the Banana Cup. All you’ll be thinking about is, Does my man really think I’m skilled enough to unlock the next Leaf Cup? Or is he just being nice? I don’t want to play Mario Kart Wii with someone who thinks I’m just OK because I’m not JUST OK, Josh! It might be tempting to fall into this spiral, but remember—no one has ever achieved star rank that way. So run from this guy, because Grand Prix is a single-player mode anyways and you didn’t really need him!
He’s a Bad Kisser
Messy kissers are probably also messy virtual drivers. If your hookup’s lip-locking style makes you feel like you’re simultaneously getting attacked by a slug while also having your head flushed down the toilet, odds are the way he races through the Maple Treeway track will also make you want to scream. He’ll be driving straight off a cliff for no reason while you close your eyes and wait for him to die so you can play alone. Once it’s Game Over for this guy, don’t choose Play Again. Move on. There are many karts in the sea! (Especially in Mario Kart 8: Water Park.)
He Doesn’t Care About Your Orgasm
If he’s not trying to make you feel good in bed, he doesn’t really care about you, which means he’ll only be thinking about himself when you’re sharing a kart in Mario Kart: Double Dash. Is that really who you want to end up with? Face it: He doesn’t have the vested interest to dodge or throw shells at your opponents while you steer, meaning you’re doing all the work while he gets a free ride in your Boo Pipes. Push him out of your kart ASAP! You can coast down rainbow road yourself because you’re a strong, self-satisfying Koopa Troopa.
He Has Stiff Thumbs
Next!!!
Girl, don’t waste your time! Look for these red flags so you know to get out before getting too involved with someone who’s bad at Mario Kart. Do something today your future self (who is playing Mario Kart) will thank you for.
