Friends and family confirmed this last week that despite Tammy Wallace having lived in four states and held eleven different jobs over the course of her 30 years, her Seasonal Affective Disorder was the most interesting aspect of her personality.
“I mean, she can talk for hours about puzzles, but who likes puzzles – right?” said her sister Clarice. “It’s really not until her eyelids get perma-heavy, and her will to drag herself out of bed is diminished by the psychologically oppressive darkness of winter, that I start getting interested in what she has to say.”
Her boyfriend Steve Wang also confirmed this fact, stating that he was almost relieved when November hit, because he’s always been somewhat low energy and they could just lay together and trace each other’s rapidly forming fatigue wrinkles, which were infinitely more fascinating than Tammy’s fresh-faced-yet-predictable summer look. “In warm weather she’ll want me to go for walks around the neighborhood with her and I’m just like, ‘why do I want to throw an hour of my life away like that?’”
Tammy’s neighbor Allen Williams, describes her as “just so vanilla, you know?” But during winter he and his wife will occasionally invite her over for a glass of wine. “Once the darkness hits and she starts resembling a malnourished vampire, I’m in. That’s the kind of person you might like to sit by the fire with.”
When requested to speak about the unanimous diagnosis of her personality, Tammy stared sorrowfully into the distance with the apparent wisdom of someone more interesting than herself.
