According to various reports out of this year’s G20 Summit in Brisbane, Australia, the outfits worn by German Chancellor Angela Merkel failed to sway any other world leaders in her attempts to pass tangible change regarding several key issues.
The navy blue pantsuit and black heels Merkel wore to entice patrons at various pubs along Brisbane’s popular Caxton Street failed to have the same effect on policymakers including President Barack Obama, who was overheard saying, “Is Angela depressed or something?” Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott weighed in on the former quantum chemist’s ensemble, remarking, “Was Angela even there?”
Merkel’s key mission at this year’s G20 Summit was to draw attention to Russia and its acts of military aggression in Ukraine, which was strange given her lack of vision in regards to accessories. Reports indicate Merkel was hoping to gather support from the rest of the G20 summit to pressure Russia into reducing its encroachment in Eastern Europe, and while some progress was made, it certainly wasn’t thanks to her off-the-rack garb. An anonymous source claims, “The only case Merkel seemed to be making was for JCPenney to be inducted as new member state of the EU.”
When asked why he didn’t support Merkel in her efforts to curb Russian President Vladmir Putin, UK Prime Minister David Cameron said, “Between her drab, gray blazer and her old, weathered floral stockings, she just didn’t bring enough political clout to impact a G20 Summit.” Cameron adds, “Seriously, is she being sponsored by seasonal depression?”
Merkel’s “oomph” factor also failed to strengthen trade negotiations with Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and newly elected Indonesian President Joko Widodo. When asked why the six-hour meeting between he and Merkel was unfruitful, Modi said, “Why would I want to effect major economic change with a woman who has split ends? Do they not own mirrors in Germany?”
The visibly dismayed Merkel gave an official statement to German media outlet following her G20 departure Monday evening, saying, “Fuck all you dumb dicks.”