After months of collecting data and studying the problem, scientists have discovered a solution for people perplexed as to how to fucking text me back.
“It’s not that hard, asshole,” says lead researcher Saanvi Agarwal. “You just type a response into that little box under the text you’ve received. You could say literally anything to at least acknowledge that you received the text in question.”
Surveys found that I’d appreciate a direct response to my question such as “sure I’ll be there,” or “Sorry, can’t make it,” but even a “Sorry I’m kinda swamped right now” would be preferable to the zero response rate I’m currently receiving from certain subjects of the study, Mark.
According to Agarwal, the data collected is basically unnecessary and the conclusion is obvious because “duh, it’s so simple. Just text back.”
Subsequent tests attempted to poke holes in this thesis, allowing room for error in the text recipient’s cell phone service provider, a missed text, or a toddler stealing their phone, but follow up texts disproved this theory.
“The error was not contingent on the specific behaviors of the subjects of the study,” explains Agarwal. “Our researchers were able to replicate the non-response over and over again.”
Having found the solution to the problem – simply remembering to fucking text back – researchers are now attempting to focus on what messaging would best get the word out on their results.
“We thought maybe billboards, but despite forgetting to text, these people are always looking at their fucking phones.”
