In a groundbreaking new study out of Michigan State University, scientists have found that while, yes, you need to consume eight cups of water per day, you also need at least one latte as well as two Diet Cokes.
“It’s just basic science,” said Lead Researcher Angie Stevens. “You need around eight cups of water a day to stay hydrated and healthy, one latte to imbue yourself with the will to live in the morning, and at least two Diet Cokes to make that will last through at least 5 p.m.”
Instead of simply staying hydrated, researchers on the study say that their beverage requirements take into account humans’ innate need for a mid-morning pick-me-up, something to get them through the day, and a little something that’s delicious.
The study also suggests that in addition to eight cups of water, one latte, and two Diet Cokes, real health-conscious folks should also consider working in a big ole’ root beer as well as a Blue Raspberry Slurpee from 7-Eleven.
“Really, anything that will temporarily divert you from the painful mundanity of being alive is, like, super good for your health,” Stevens told reporters. “Personally, I opt for the RT44 from Sonic to get my root beer fill. It really packs a punch. But any root beer will do.”
Sources confirm that while drinking eight cups of water a day is great, it’s not quite enough to sustain human life.
“Yeah, you absolutely need a latte in the morning,” said another researcher on the study, Dara Linwood. “How else are you going to lure yourself out of the house and face the harsh light of day? And without a couple of solid Diet Cokes in the afternoon, how are you going to work up the motivation to actually drink those eight cups of water?”
While the researchers also confirmed the results of the recent study that said Diet Coke contains carcinogens that could cause cancer in humans, they concluded that the benefits of drinking two Diet Cokes per day materially outweighed the drawbacks.
“Obviously there’s a litany of downfalls to drinking all of this stuff every day,” Linwood told reporters. “Increased chance of cancer, cavities, gum disease, digestive issues, worsened anxiety, the works…But we found that those issues don’t even come close to overpowering the overwhelming human need to have a fun little beverage throughout the day.”
