Quick, think of your favorite flower! Good. Now ask yourself: Are you as skinny or pretty as that flower? Absolutely not! But you could be. Now imagine a nutrition plan where all your food is abundant and free. Wow! We tried a new diet that’s buzzing in the health-o-sphere: staring right into the goddamned sun.
The photosynthesis diet, traditionally practiced by weeds and shrubs, left us feeling glowing and thin. Here’s how it went:
The Regimen: We simply replaced fruits, carbs, proteins, and foods with eight ceaseless hours of scalding hot sunlight. Just like plants! Who needs Atkins or Paleo when you can have 480 uninterrupted minutes of burning fire blasted directly into your open eyes? Talk about “feeling the burn!”
The Test Run: Craning our necks for the length of a full workday was no small task, but it was fun to be surrounded by fellow dieters – trees and grass. It felt like a Weight Watchers class, if Weight Watchers classes were full of mosses and conifers. Throughout the day we experienced some minor inconveniences, particularly the brightness of the sun on our increasingly sensitive corneas. Luckily, our eyes were swollen shut within minutes. Problem solved! We could tell it was working by the tingling of our forehead blisters filling with plasma and our brains feeling empty and fuzzy. Who knew dieting could be so easy?
The Results: Between the severe dehydration and the layers of skin that peeled off, we lost eight pounds in eight hours. Talk about quick results! We can finally slink back into that little black dress that was too small, provided we can stay upright for more than a few seconds. We are hungry and thin!
Every diet has naysayers of course. For example, the team of doctors in the intensive care unit found it ours to be “reckless” and “nearly fatal.” At one point a hunky ER doc leaned in as if he wanted to smooch, but at the last second he just stitched the more swollen eye shut while calling our nutrition regiment “a horrible perversion of nature.” To each her own!
Do we look thinner? Yes, but we can’t quite see for ourselves and may never fully regain our eyesight. Do we feel thinner? We’ll put it this way: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. In this case, skinny feels like the nausea and dizziness of severe sun poisoning, which is how we know it’s working.