Sending waves of shock and alarm through the world’s loser community, scientists have announced that while allergy season used to last from mid-March through the summer, it’s actually forever now.
“Allergy season used to be a few weeks in the spring, then a few weeks in the fall, but that structure has completely fallen apart now,” said Dr. Franklin Wilder of the UNLV Medical School. “It’s gone wackadoodle! Bonkers! Kazzam!”
The scientific community is in agreement that the only apt term to describe the new seasonal allergen cycle is “super fucked.”
“Tree pollination begins in the spring, then grass pollination in the summer, then ragweed in the fall, but instead of any of those ending, they all just continue year-round now,” Dr. Wilder told reporters gathered at the scene. “I haven’t been this scared of plants since the orchid I bought my wife attracted all those wasps…”
Dr. Wilder then trailed off and appeared catatonic for a while, which reporters found concerning given the scale of the issue at hand.
“I didn’t used to have allergies at all!” said local mom Jean Shaween. “And now I’ve got to have them for the rest of my life? Who did this?”
Scientists have no clue who did this, but it feels reasonable to say “corporations.”
Some members of the public who are new to seasonal allergies struggled to grasp what all the hubbub was about, considering that allergies, by design, are not normally that bad.
“The consequences of allergy season being forever are astronomical,” Dr. Wilder said. “You’ll never not be congested, your eyes will be itchy forever, and say goodbye to kissing, because that shit’s over for good. You’re basically condemned to a lifetime of mouth breathing, a fate worse than death.”
Scientists suspect this is part of the biosphere’s plan to slowly but surely wipe humans off the face of the planet.
“I mean, sure, allergies won’t kill you directly,” Dr. Wilder continued. “But we suspect this is part of a larger scheme to get us to kill ourselves instead. It’s brilliant, really. Calculated. Diabolical. Kind of like the wasps who commandeered my home when I gave that orchid to my wife…”
At press time, the FDA encouraged every household to buy a lifetime supply of Flonase, Claritin, or Benadryl, whichever antihistamine “vibed best with their drowsy or non-drowsy needs.”
“Oooooh,” said Dr. Wilder, with a calm understanding. “Yeah, it was probably those corporations that did it. Damn, they’re good.”
