In a devastating report emerging from Manhattan, NY, you’re currently telling your friends about your summer plans and realizing in real time that, unfortunately, they’re extremely embarrassing and you’re a loser.
Sources confirm your friends Justin Weinberg and Hannah Ng just told you about their high-quality alpha plans — hiking the Camino in Spain and traveling to Mexico to shoot a short film with funding from both Harvard University and Alphonso Cuaron, respectively — then asked you what you’re up to.
“I’ll probably go upstate for a weekend in August maybe,” you said stupidly, as if this was the type of plan even worth mentioning. “Maybe rent a cabin? Or visit my family in Maryland?”
Your inclination to state these plans as questions suggested you also knew they were shit, deep down.
“Oh, that’s awesome!” Hannah lied. “That sounds really meaningful and exciting. Happy for you!”
Her faux joy only made you feel worse, because it was clear she pitied your stupid little plans and your general loser status. All of a sudden, you felt extremely exposed in the brunch place you three had been catching up in, as if all eyes were on you, which they were.
“I mean, I’ll probably do a bunch more stuff, too,” you continued, trying and failing to make your life sound intriguing and notable. “Maybe I’ll watercolor a bit or go to the beach.”
Sources who overheard this rolled their eyes really hard.
“The beach?” eavesdropper Yvonne Lim told reporters from one table over. “Cliché much? Why doesn’t she just say she’s spending the summer ‘soaking up the sun’ while she’s at it?”
“Yeah, I’m planning on really soaking up the sun,” you continued, unaware you had just proven Yvonne’s point, idiot. “That sounds good, right?”
Once again, it seemed like you were asking for reassurance because you knew this did not, in fact, sound good. Sources confirm it sounded stupid and lame.
“Hey, summer is stressful and there’s a ton of pressure to ‘do it right,’” Justin said, taking a cue from the fact you were sweating so much that he should calm you down. “Those plans sound great! I’m sure the beach will be super fun.”
You do not expect the beach to be fun; in fact, you predict it will be way too windy or way too hot, and you’ll sit there for about 18 minutes before asking yourself why you thought this was a good idea. Nice job, loser.
