A new report has revealed that the reason you’re not achieving your dreams is quite simply because you don’t email good.
The report by the Pew Research Center shows that an absence of talent, a lack of drive, or external factors like financial instability, can contribute to individuals failing to achieve their dreams. However, with that being said, for you specifically, it’s pretty much just the whole “not emailing good” thing.
“Unfavorable personal circumstances, unequitable hiring practices, and the lack of a clear path are all real and valid reasons why many people never go on to achieve their dreams,” said Dr. Laura Thompson. “And we made sure to rule out all of these reasons –– and hundreds of others –– before coming to the conclusion that, in your case, failure to achieve your dreams is a direct consequence of choosing ‘bye bye’ as your preferred email sign off.”
These findings come as unsurprising news to anyone who has ever received an email from you.
“There was just something off about her email,” said Linda Fouche, the owner of the company you cold-emailed last week. “Something about the way the sentences were structured, or perhaps the way the words were arranged, didn’t sit right with my spirit. I had to delete the email before I even finished reading it.”
In spite of many feeling unsurprised by the findings of this report, you were shocked to learn that the reason you didn’t land your dream job last year wasn’t because you weren’t qualified, but rather because you made the decision to punctuate four of the five sentences in your follow-up email with an exclamation point.
“I was just trying to come across kind and enthusiastic!” you explained. “That’s seriously the only reason I didn’t get that job? What the actual fuck!”
The report posited that, in addition to your poor punctuation choices, other reasons why you’ve never made any advancements toward your dream job include: choosing “hi” rather than “dear” when addressing your email recipient, and saying “thank you” at the beginning of your email and then “thanks again” at the end. Recipients of your emails said they found it redundant, annoying, and a little bit desperate.
Reading so much about how your digital correspondence has been instrumental in almost all of your life’s shortcomings caused you to ultimately refrain from referring to the hiring manager as “missy moo” in your latest email. However, while this initially appears to be a smart and somewhat obvious decision, the report suggests that the hiring manager would’ve actually found this choice charming, and ultimately, it would’ve landed you the job.
