REPORT: Entire Six-Month Relationship Could Have Been An Email

Upon the conclusion of her six-month relationship with former college friend Jake and with newfound experience in the working world, Emma Kujawski recently came to the conclusion that the entire relationship could have simply been a friendly email.


After reflecting on the past few months of movies, dinners and hanging out at each other’s apartments, Emma came out of the relationship wishing Jake would have sent her a friendly yet formal email with the important talking points rather than cut into her already very busy work schedule.


“When Jake let me know he was moving to Portland I was thrilled, we had always shared a mutual attraction,” Emma said. “But now that it’s all said and done I realize there really wasn’t any reason for us to get together.”


Emma felt the talking points of the relationship could have been covered very quickly: Jake was still a Republican, like his parents. He was now living in Portland, but on the opposite side of the river away from Emma’s, work, apartment, and hangout spots. He still wore cargo pants daily, even to brunch. An email with a current photo attached would have cut down the time needed to process this information and Emma would have been able to take the necessary actions much faster.


Emma even seemed to be okay with missing out on any sex within the in-person relationship.


“I didn’t get anything out of it, so we could have just skipped that part. Honestly, there wasn’t any reason I needed to be there for that.”


In retrospect, Emma and Jake didn’t need to meet in person to discover they weren’t romantically compatible for the long term. It seemed that Jake mostly wanted to hear himself talk and that’s why they ended up in the relationship. He repeated himself several times over and over again.


“I often found myself checking my watch and thinking of all the work I wasn’t going to be able to get done that day.”


Emma felt that the e-mail would have been better for both of them since she would have had more time to think about responses to Jakes few questions and not accidentally be put on the spot.


“If he would have e-mailed me I would have been able to respond when I had a moment. Instead I got distracted one day and said I thought the band Thrice was actually pretty cool.”



Other reasons an email would have been better were due to Jakes poor memory and disorganization throughout the relationship, as he would have been able to remember Emma’s last name and professional website since it’s right there in her signature.


Emma described the relationship as “an absolute waste of time” and “another example of a man’s desire to hear himself talk.”