In a devastating report emerging from your bedroom, you came home from a long walk with a friend, sniffed your armpit, caught wind of your own musk, and realized this is a job for the shower, not deodorant.
“I didn’t think I smelled bad at first, so I just put some deodorant on to cover up whatever was happening in there,” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “But now it kind of just smells like B.O. plus deodorant, which is, in many ways, worse than plain B.O.”
Sources confirm you weren’t planning on taking a shower today, so this is throwing a wrench in your schedule in a huge way. You have to be at work in 23 minutes, and there’s no way that’s sufficient shower time.
“Do you think people will notice I used deodorant to do a shower’s job?” you asked, looking around nervously. “Maybe I can get away with it.”
Reporters confirm you cannot get away with it, seeing as a few of them politely left the room already to get away from you.
“Ah, a classic deodorant versus shower debacle,” your straight guy roommate, Matt Pierce, said as he calmly entered your room with the aura of a seasoned pro. “I’ve been in your shoes, brother, and I am not envious. Take my advice: deodorant.”
Sources confirm every time Matt has had to choose between deodorant and shower, he’s chosen deodorant, and everyone in his life hates him for it.
“There’s no time,” he continued. “Heed my warning: Slap even more deodorant on there and keep your arms down.”
Rather than follow this terrible advice, you rang your boss and said you’d be about 15 minutes late, giving you just enough time to shower.
Sources confirm you then spent about five of those minutes doing mental math to see if you should wash your hair while you’re in there or wait to wash your hair until tomorrow.
“Hair washing just doesn’t enter the equation when you’re employing a simple solution like deodorant,” Matt continued, much like a Devil on your shoulder.
As of press time, you had decided to take a whole-body shower – shaving included – and arrived at work two hours late.
