In an extensively researched report just made available to the public, the American Association of Bathing has found that crying in the shower is significantly better than shower sex of any kind.
“We really hope these findings will reshape how extra-cleaning shower activities are viewed in our culture,” says a researcher, Dr. Lillian Qi. “Shower sex has been romanticized for so long in media and by cis men, but it’s really got nothing on weeping in the shower alone, and it’s time we had that conversation.”
The science behind the report is straight forward enough for the standard layperson to understand.
“If you manage to actually get aroused during weird soap-slathering shower foreplay, then bad news: that shower water is coming right for your pussy to wash away any lubrication,” Dr. Qi explains. “Also, you can only do the one position, and if you have roommates you’re going to spend most of the time thinking about how dirty your bathtub is.”
“On the other hand,” adds Dr. Qi, “weeping alone in the shower is amazing. The falling water simultaneously washes away your tears, while also feeling like more tears. You become one with your shower. You’re just one big sobbing mass, and that’s beautiful.”
The findings have come as a huge relief to a majority of the sexually active community.
“Thank God we finally have the proof to back this up,” says one bather, Audrey Grant. “I’m so sick of humoring my partners’ desires for shower sex over the years, bending over and just hoping you’re the exact right heights to even be able to make it work, or pretending to enjoy being fingered while standing up and feeling cold on every part of my body that’s not under the water.”
“Crying in the shower, however, is obviously amazing,” Grant adds. “Maybe one day I’ll achieve a level of intimacy where I’ll be able to cry in the shower with someone else, which is probably the closest I’d ever want to get to shower sex, but probably not.”