According to the scene unfolding before your very eyes, the new shoes you bought today remained new for a total of 18 seconds. Following this 18-second period, they were immediately scuffed, bumped, dirtied, and generally made old.
Sources confirm you left your house in a pair of “white gray” New Balance 530s, which it had taken you three weeks to find, save up for, and have delivered. You were excited to share your fresh find with coworkers and strangers alike – that is, before you tripped on a lip in the sidewalk and felt the first hints of rain approximately 16 seconds after walking outside your door.
“Contrary to popular belief, this is an above-average showing for new shoes of this type and color,” said local footwear specialist Rachel Keener. “Most of the time when we’re looking at shoes of the white variety, they remain new for 10, maybe 11 seconds at most. If they’re darker or more durable, maybe up to 25, 26 seconds before something happens that irrevocably changes them.”
Sources confirm the shoes are now damaged beyond recognition, in the sense that they’re kind of dirty and already a little smelly.
“You wouldn’t think plain water from the sky would have this kind of effect,” said an onlooker watching the tragic scene unfold. “And yet, here we are. Prayers.”
Sources allege you kind of seem like you’re going to cry, considering how excited you were about the shoes, but when reporters mentioned this, you told them to shut up.
“It’s totally fine that my shoes aren’t new anymore, and I’m not even mad,” you said, although sources close to you – your roommate, John – confirm seeing you shed multiple tears.
“Oh, those shoes are cool! Are they hand-me-downs?” your coworker, Mia Friedman, asked upon your arrival to the office.
This was enough to make you, a grown person, wail audibly and in sight of your peers.
Researchers are unsure why shoes only remain new for such a short period of time before quickly becoming not only old but also busted.
“We ultimately need to redefine the way we conceive time,” said Dr. Darla Montgomery of the University of Phoenix. “If you’re even thinking about a pair of shoes, buddy they’re not new anymore. The only way to achieve true ‘newness’ is for the shoes to be unknown. The second they’re known, babe, they’re old.”
At press time, you decided it didn’t really matter that the shoes weren’t new; you’d love them anyways. Reporters found this hilarious and spent a long time laughing. Congrats on the kicks!
