A report out of the University of Georgia has confirmed that the roommate who bakes pastries, cookies, and the occasional tart for the whole apartment is basically Atlas holding up the world, if the world were their roommates’ collective mental health.
“Levels of happiness and satisfaction are significantly higher in apartments where there is at least one baking roommate,” said scientist Georgia LaRue. “While in apartments where no one bakes, everyone basically wants to curl up in a ball and cry all the time, and they’re each just waiting for someone else to step up and bake.”
The report found that, much like Atlas is condemned to hold up the heavens or sky for eternity after the Titan War, the baking roommate does not necessarily want to be responsible for the apartment’s mental health, but it is a responsibility thrust upon them – or shall we more accurately say, her.
“Look, let’s cut the shit. It’s basically always a girl, and she is so strong,” Georgia continued. “In apartments where the roommates are a range of genders – boy, girl, non-binary, genderfluid, et cetera – nine times out of 10, the girl is the one who serves as Atlas. Not because she wants to, but because no one else is stepping up and fucking baking.”
Sources confirm that if no one is present to bake, the apartment’s mental health is statistically dust, much like the world would be if Atlas were not bearing the weight of the celestial heavens.
“Who’s the Atlas in our household? Oh, that’s Janie,” said local 25-year-old Vanya Vols. “Every time I have a terrible day, the only thing that gets me out of bed is the smell of some cinnamon buns that she somehow whipped up in 11 minutes, which is less than their bake time. Janie is my rock. I owe it all to Janie.”
“Yeah, I work day in and day out to keep this place afloat,” Janie Wilson told reporters, taking a drag of a joint that did not canoe at all. “Am I skilled in philosophy, mathematics, and astronomy? Yes. Am I forced, instead, to hold the weight of the world in my own two hands? You bet your ass I am. Matcha cookie?”
Reporters confirm the matcha cookies were amazing and did give them a positive outlook for days to come.
The report concluded that just as Heracles built the two great Pillars of Hercules to take Atlas’ place, the roommate who bakes can only be freed from this weight if everyone in the apartment finally gets a goddamn therapist.
