Scandal fans everywhere are emulating Olivia Pope’s ritualistic red-wine drinking while watching the hit show, resulting in a drastic increase in non-removable red wine stains nationwide. Red wine has been thrown, dropped, spilt, spit or vomited by excited and titillated women, unable to handle the show’s captivating drama.
“I love Scandal and Olivia Pope! I’m always drinking red wine when it’s on, just like her!” explained Claire Matthews outside of her local Brooklyn dry cleaners. “Every Thursday I ruin a new thing, but it’s worth it to feel so in control, so calm under pressure like her.”
“I lost a blouse when Fitz got shot. When Mellie induced her labor, I messed the Lane Bryant skirt I’d put on just to watch the show,” remembered Alana Stevens. “The episode where Olivia was getting it doggy from Fitz in the Vermont mansion he built for her? Lost all faculties,” Stevens shrugged. “My couch was ruined. But I needed that moment. Me and Olivia Pope.”
Eddie Fischer, a dry cleaner, offered his advice: “Women need to stop drinking red wine and wearing white while they watch this show. Everything they own is white. At least be more careful.”
Despite the dry cleaning bills, Matthews will not change her routine. “Get rid of the white? No way. I’m Olivia Pope!” she chuckled, before adding, “I’m not married.”
