While the sight of a low-hanging artificial scrotum dangling from the back of a car may be disturbing to some, researchers have determined that the vehicle adornment is, in fact, among the safest ways men can express their masculinity.
“Historically, men have typically expressed their masculinity through the violent subjugation of women and gender-nonconforming others,” said Dr. Roselyn Bowers. “Relative to these patterns of abusive and toxic masculinity, we found that putting a giant, anatomically correct nutsack on your Ford Explorer is actually pretty harmless.”
In the eight-month period of data extraction and analysis, Dr. Bowers and her team found that the lowest risk ways of expressing masculinity include wearing Red Wing boots, vehicular testicles, and opening jars but only when explicitly asked.
“Some may think it inane, but giving one’s car sex organs can be a meaningful act of psychological projection,” said Dr. Bowers. “These men may want to take their balls out in public in an effort to prove they have them, however, they understand there would be negative repercussions for doing so. The transference of the ballocks to the vehicle is actually a pretty sophisticated coping mechanism, versus behaviors that qualify as sexual assault.”
One study participant was even willing to publicly share what his car fun bags meant in his own words.
“I don’t know,” said Jackson Frank. “I guess it’s funny because it’s like my car has balls.”
Interesting stuff. With this breakthrough in the field, it’s possible we may be seeing doorknockers on Jeeps, Subarus, and even Priuses as more men embrace this benign display of manhood.
“Oh, we sure hope not,” said Dr. Bowers. “We have determined it’s safe, but technically speaking it is still very, very disgusting.”
