Everyone knows that the sweetest reward for a long pregnancy is holding your healthy baby in your arms for the first time. But new moms deserve a little spoiling -and Push Presents are all the rage this year! Check out the best gifts for new moms that won’t erase the excruciating memory of forcing a small human through their vagina.
1. Jewelry: “My husband Tom gave me a blue Tiffany box in the hospital after the birth of our son TJ. It was the most beautiful, enormous sapphire ring I had ever seen, but it was not nearly as big as the child I just ejected from my womb through my vagina. I smiled for a second then passed out due to anemia and an overly high dose of morphine.”
–Jane Pritchard
2. New Car: “I just had a home birth for our second child, Summer, and I couldn’t believe what I saw when Sam told me to look out the window. There was a brand-new Prius in the driveway! I wanted to go outside and take it for a test drive, but my body was still covered in blood and feces and I didn’t have the strength to lift myself from the filthy birthing pool.”
–Allie Thomas
3. Champagne: “I love champagne! My boyfriend knew I was missing alcohol during my pregnancy so when I gave birth to Madison three weeks ago he bought a very expensive bottle of Goût de Diamants. I chugged the entire bottle to dull the pain from the stitches they used to sew up my labia. My daughter split me right in two; I can’t even remember if the champagne was good or not.”
-Ginger Turner
4. Spa Treatment: “Before I gave birth I loved trips to the spa! My partner Patty thought getting me a spa package at La Spa Blu would be a nice treat after carrying our daughter Candice for nine months. But ever since my C-section I can’t stand the thought of being naked. The doctor really slaughtered me down there and my body will never be the same again. I’m filing a law suit against the hospital.”
-Louise Baker
5. Sweet Treats: “I love chocolates, but wasn’t able to have any during my pregnancy with twins Zander and Jayden because I developed gestational diabetes. After a long, 60-hour labor my husband brought me a box of my favorite dark chocolates! It was so creative and thoughtful, but I couldn’t eat them as I was in a coma after suffering seizures during delivery.”
—Diane Miller
