Prom is the most important night in a teen’s life, but this is an important time in your life as well. Unlike those suckers, you’re financially sound, you know what you like, and you’re ready to bone. While those pimple-ridden piglets are Jersey Turnpike-ing on the dance floor, sit back and marinate in your finely aged, titillating juices, waiting for that tall one with the beard to look your way. Here are a few prom chaperone outfits that say, “I may have had two kids, but I have the body of a teenage gymnast and I’m looking for a balance beam.”
Sharp Skirt Suit (Ann Taylor, $130)
You’re a bitch in the boardroom and a sultry tigress everywhere else. Sure, you’ve tweaked your own nipples during a conference call with India—and this outfit gives you the freedom to reposition a fallen banner, and the hemline allows easy access to the backs of your knees, which you’ve come to learn over the last 45 years is your most erogenous zone.
Divorcee Pro Tip: Who says you have to wear a camisole under that blazer? Or a bra, even? You’re peaking!
Leather Maxi Skirt (Curvaceous Boutique, $64.99)
You spent years settling for mediocre lovemaking, and now it’s time for you to take the reigns of your sexuality. Giddy up cowgirl! This outfit doesn’t allow for much mobility, so you might want to sign up early to sit at the check-in table where you can get a gander at that shy-eyed math sub.
Divorcee Pro Tip: Make it a mini. The school’s fingertip length rule doesn’t apply to chaperones.
High-Waisted Khakis (BestBrazilianJeans.com, $39)
Curves that won’t quit? Check. A butt built to strut? Double check. You donated all the flower arrangements, now it’s time to pollinate your dewy blossom. You may dress like a 45-year-old, but you’ve got the libido of a coked-up bullfighter. You’re the boss of your lady sauce and you are not sorry.
Divorcee Pro Tip: Make sure you don’t miss any opportunity to do the pony. Equestrian mama!
Wraparound Dress (New York and Company, $92)
This timeless piece will have the faculty volunteers wrapped around your wise little finger. Like your fully activated lady cave, this dress is vintage, but it still fits just as tightly as it did in the 80s. Your deep, throaty voice, aged from decades of fighting with that no-good ex-husband, will make a direct deposit into the spank banks of students and teachers alike as you read off the numbers for the winning raffle ticket.
Divorcee Pro Tip: When you come back from the bathroom, conveniently “forget” to tie your dress back up. Oops! Now everyone totally saw your hard-won Pilates abs!
Anything Animal Print (Any street fair, ~$15)
With animal print, sometimes less is more, but when it comes to having as much sex as possible in your burgeoning mid-life, more is more. It just so happens that this year’s prom theme is “Safari Nights”. How could something sarong feel so right?
Divorcee Pro Tip: Victoria’s Secret is having their semi-annual sale. Snatch up as many snow leopard bras as you can before those tween twats grab all of mama’s go-to goodies.
Even though society tells us that these teen snotwads are the most sexual among us, you’ll prove otherwise in these gush-worthy prom chaperone outfits. You’re 45 and at the pinnacle of Mount Hump. Fuck society! And that limo driver. No one’s gonna notice if you slip out for 20 minutes. You’re the prom queen of your own desires.