Keeping the spirit of resistance alive this pride month, 24-year-old Sarah O’Shaughnessey confidently yelled “Pride was a protest” while stealing a Gatorade from CVS.
“Pride month is all about celebrating queer history and honoring the memory of those who fought like hell for rights and recognition the government was not going to give us willingly,” she told her friend while sneaking the blue Gatorade into her bag and checking for security cameras. “Lest we forget, the first pride parade was a protest.”
It seems like Sarah is referring to the 1969 Stonewall Riots and the subsequent anniversary Pride parade that acted as a catalyst for the gay rights movement in the United States and globally. Reporters are unsure how this relates to her, an affluent white woman, taking a Gatorade from a corporation that honestly will not notice.
“These days, the essence of Pride parades has been corrupted by corporate involvement and a general sterilization of our demands as a community,” she continued, deciding whether she was going to grab a second flavor for the road. “Gay pride isn’t about assimilation. It’s about celebrating a refusal to conform and a continued determination to fight for marginalized peoples.”
Around this part of the rant, Sarah’s friend, Trent Woods, had wandered off into the shampoo aisle.
“She does this every Pride,” he told reporters. “I just can’t take the speech anymore. Like, yes! Pride was a protest. How does this relate to you committing petty theft? And listen, I’m all for petty theft, but justifying it this way is so unnecessary and honestly kind of offensive.”
Trent tried to express this to Sarah, but she had moved on to ranting directly to the CVS cashier.
“This month, we honor revolutionaries like Marsha P. Johnson, Harvey Milk, Silvia Rivera, Audrey Lorde, and Barbara Gittings by fighting for queer – and especially trans – liberation globally,” Sarah told the woman at the register, who could not care less. “So, I’ll be taking this. For them.”
On the way out, Sarah decided to take a Snickers, too, “to honor the sacrifice of activists who could not be here today.”
As of press time, Sarah and Trent had left the CVS, after which Sarah ignored a houseless person on the street and scrolled past three posts asking for community volunteers at the local garden, soup kitchen, and LGBTQ youth support center.
